Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Ranking the Pizza in Westford

On November 21st, 1996, I moved to Westford, Massachusetts. Since then, several things have happened, including:
  • Getting kicked in the nuts by classmate Craig Gattel during after-school indoor soccer in 3rd grade
  • Witnessing Steve SicHenry poop his pants in the 8th grade hallway during 6th grade Scoail Studies
  • Hearing about Mandy Alino pooping his pants in the WA weight room during junior year
  • Eating a lot of pizza without pooping my pants
Westford has a good amount of pizza places for having a relatively low Italian-American population. The quality of this pizza ranges from pretty solid to AIDS. Being really hungry at the moment, with only Domino's open, I give you an ascending order ranking of Westford's finest slice.

1. Presti's: There's a lot of people out there who don't like Presti's. To me, it's everything that you want in a serviceable pizza joint. Good sauce (sweeter than most in Westford), a nice, soft crust that is rarely burned, and modest cheese-to-sauce ratio. Toppings are generally put on liberally. It doesn't taste like Jesus, but you'll be glad you did it. The train-tracks location is aesthetically unpleasing, but you might as well eat it in your post-yuppie Westford palace anyways.

2. Willow's: This is a good pie, in a similar vein to Presti's. However, this is the gambler's pizza. You order from Willow's and you're at the end of a Caesar's Palace craps table. On one hand, you could get a great pizza, save a puppy from a fire on your way there, and make out with a busty babe in the parking lot. But there's also an equally good chance that they'll burn your pizza or you'll witness a robbery in their ghetto lounge. You yourself might get robbed or carjacked in Nab. However, a good Willow's can match or better Presti's in its prime.

3. Westford House of Pizza: You go to WHOP, you're going service first. Sammy is the epitome of a professional. Everyone in Westford always goes, "OMG I luv WHOP, me and Sammy are BFF, he's so great yadda yadda." Sammy doesn't know your fucking name. Sure, he might recognize you and even know a few things about you, but the fact is that he's a stone-cold marketing genius. He saw that Westford pizza needed a Clooney and he filled the role.

Anyways the pizza is good, if you're into Greek-style crust, which most people around the country would think is an abortion. Sammy's charm and WHOP's ability to make calzones that taste like Bar Rafaeli bump the stock up.

4. Nashoba Pizza: Same exact food as WHOP minus the charm. This place is so boring, me and my buddy Andrew once ate a pizza here, left, drove home without paying, realized we didn't pay, and then were just bored thinking of it. Nashoba Pizza, do you really think you need 900 square feet of room for your dining lounge? WHOP's dining area is the size of a midget's broom closet and there's still more people in there at an off-hour than Nashoba has at rush. Pathetic.

5. Silver Palate: Now we're getting to the dogs. Close geographically to Willow's, but what it lacks in overbearing ghettoness, it makes up for in shitty eats and rude staff. Their pizza tastes like a cardboard bandade. The people there are always greasy and wear shorts that don't proportionally match their lower body. It's only saving grace is that you can get Slush Puppies at the convenience-store-formerly-known-as-Lil-Peach next door. You could also probably buy drugs off the staff here.

6. Pizza Express: If you've lived in Westford for more than 12 months and order from Pizza Express, you're either an invalid, a Filipino, or you have the culinary senses of a toddler. This pizza tastes like the Super Mario Bros. bukkaking onto a sheet of construction paper during an oil spill. The fact that this restaurant is still in business is one of the better arguments against capitalism. In fact, I'm almost certain that this business is a drug front because rational people wouldn't eat food that tastes this fucking horrible. But then again, Westford is a town where a Wendy's went out of business while a WacArnolds and a BK are still in business, so leave it to these morons to allow this offensive establishment to survive.

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